Doubt

I.N.S.E.C.U.R.I.T.I.E.S

We all have them.  They prey on us like rabid animals.  They haunt our thoughts and make us doubt our true potential.  Insecurities linger in the shadows like a crazed stalker and mount their attack when you least expect it.  Insecurities are mind numbingly consuming.

When you have a chronic illness, those insecurities are substantially amplified.  Your body is a never ending canvas for constant change.  It took many years to build up my self-esteem.  Years of scrutiny and picking myself apart.  Years of never feeling good enough or even remotely pretty. Ironically, around the time I was diagnosed, my confidence came into fruition.  I was aesthetically pleased with myself for once in my life.  The disease was just starting to destroy my insides, as my outside appearance gave no clues to the impending internal transformation.

In the past eight years of having Crohn’s, my confidence fluctuated as much as the disease did.  The flares knocked the pounds off of my body as quickly as Prednisone put them back on.  I was on a never ending roller coaster ride as my self-esteem steadily climbed high and then came crashing down at full speed.  It has been extremely challenging for me to accept the changes in my body this past year since surgery.  Crohn’s has marked its territory on my stomach and left a permanent, visible sign to the suffering I had always kept hidden inside.

There are specific instances in life that no duration of time or knowledge can ever prepare you for.  After three years of fighting for my life, I finally felt like a normal person again. Before I knew it, my life was almost exactly the way that it was before.  As the months passed by and my health improved, my physical appearance altered back to the reflection I was confident in gazing at.  Positive feedback from others and male attention seem to validate my new found self-perception.

Unexpectedly, I found myself getting sucked back into the all-encompassing world of dating.  Although I was on familiar territory, this time something was very different because I was different.  I had literal baggage and battle wounds that rose to the forefront of my mind the instant any man showed interest in getting to know me.  Dating is challenging for healthy people, but when you have a chronic illness to which there is no cure, it is overwhelmingly intimidating.

How much information is too much information? How many lies will I have to generate because the truth is too complex? How do you minimize something that has had such a tremendous impact on your life? These were all questions that flooded my brain as I sat smiling across from the oblivious man on several first dates.  I may not be defined by my disease, but Crohn’s is responsible for shaping me into the woman that I am today.

Diseased or not, I am obviously still a woman.  Just because I carry a massive weight of worry for what could be misunderstood or rejected, does not mean I don’t deserve to adhere to my morals and expectations.  I still have the right to choose who I want to date, to be assertive on the date, to maintain a high self-esteem, and most importantly control my own destiny.  Having Crohn’s does not change the vast assortment of male species in the Olympic sized dating pool. Nothing is going to change the fact that good men are as difficult to find as a needle in a haystack, and I have the right to be picky and guarded.

I have come to realize through my new experiences, that I will always be my harshest critic.  I will always perceive my flawed, diseased body on a monumental scale because it is my reality.  I have also come to realize that there are a lot of men out there who won’t mind helping me carry my baggage.  I will never be a fan of dating, but I am also not one to ever give up.  I know that the challenges I have faced will attract the person I am meant to be with.  The right man for me will not care about the scars that linger underneath my clothes, yet see them as a source of my strength and uniqueness.  Although doubts and fear may make my heart race and palms sweaty on however amount of first dates I have yet to go on, I will never allow anything to deter me from getting what I have always wanted most in life.


The next time insecurities begin to scream for your attention, silence them. 
When they try to drown you in self doubt, rise above. 
Most importantly, always remember that imperfections are where beauty resides.