Most of my posts entail the monstrous effects this disease entails and manifests. I can never emphasize enough with words how immensely consuming it is to be on a physical, emotional and mental roller coaster ride every day of your life. Although my days are an intricate collaboration of many intertwining webs, there is something very magical and empowering that tends to arise from horrific and unfortunate situations. Like an icy glass of frozen lemonade on a hot summer's day, I feel like giving you a refreshing perspective.
It has been said that when something bad happens you have three choices. You can let it define you, let it destroy you, or you can let it strengthen you. Under the circumstances it would be completely understandable for anyone suffering from IBD to be a bitter mess who wants to have a nervous breakdown and crumble into pieces. To be completely honest, there have been many days where I begged God to end my suffering and free my soul from the confines of chains that chronically entraps me. However, only through this very blog do I allow anyone to know the pain I continuously encounter.
It would be really easy for me to go out into the world every day and act out the pain I feel inside. Even though I could be justified in having a bad attitude or putting on a grumpy scowl, what good would that do for myself and everyone else around me? People constantly underestimate the power of kind words, a nice gesture, or even a simple smile. Your attitude towards other people has mind numbingly powerful consequences whether you choose to acknowledge it or not.
I am not here to say that I am perfect. There have been numerous instances where I let my bad moods get the best of me and outwardly emanate to the people around me. Although, as I get older, I am realizing the powerful magnitude of what attaining a positive attitude can bring to your life and the lives of others. I make a conscious effort to be nice to everyone I encounter because you never know what battles that individual might be fighting. "People will forget what you said, people will forget what you did, but people will never forget how you made them feel."
It is important for me to note that my kindness must never be mistaken for weakness. While I stand by the significance of being kind to others, this does not mean you have to be good to those who do not treat you with the same respect. Life is too short to waste your time on people who aren't there for you. It is during the worst times of your life that you will get to see the true colors of the people who say they care for you.
I learned this in a devastating way that still has my heart broken until this day. I have been hurt and abandoned by many people, but there is one person in particular (who will remain nameless) who really shook my faith. She was my best friend for eight years, but in my heart she was so much more than that. While I was accelerating towards rock bottom at speeds faster than light, and needed her support the most, that was the very moment where she proved her allegiance to our friendship.
The basis of our deteriorating friendship was that she only reached out when something bad was happening to her, and I was always the only one supplying support. We had a falling out because of this, and when informed by another friend of mine months later that I was very ill in the hospital, she declared that she had no desire to reach out to me at all. She outwardly admitted that she was selfish and didn't have any time to be there for me. She specifically stated that "I was a needy person that had to be up her butt 24/7". Her words cut through my heart like a jagged knife and are stored in the deepest reservoir of my memory. Putting aside the invalidity of her statement because we were thousands of miles apart and hardly saw each other, I considered her family; she was more than just a best friend, I treated her like a sister. The saddest thing about betrayal is that it never comes from your enemies.
There have been many times I wanted to reach out to her and wrestled back and forth in my mind. I finally came to realize that if she couldn't be there for me when I was going through one of the most difficult times in my life, why did I need her in my life at all? Her own father and sister wished me well on the day of my surgery and birthday, but nothing came from her. To say that it doesn't still hurt would be a lie, but this opportunity to put a voice to my betrayal and hurt creates a sense of peace and closure.
I have never been the type of person who goes tit for tat or seeks revenge. Just because you are mean and unkind to me, does not mean I will be mean or unkind to you. It just means that after years of letting people trample all over me, I choose to only be there for the people who make a conscious effort to be there for me. I will not allow myself to harbor animosity in my heart. As Buddha once stated, "holding onto anger is like drinking poison and expecting the other person to die."
I know that for the rest of my life Crohn's will keep throwing me curve balls. My trick to hitting them out of the park is to keep rising above the difficult ordeals and staying true to myself. Although this disease presents the greatest of challenges, it has also been a powerful device that reveals the true characters of the people in my life. Through all of this I have learned that the only real disability any one can have in life, is a bad attitude. The strongest souls have emerged from suffering because the most massive characters are seared with scars.
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