Fickle Friends

Despite all of the pain and agony I experience from Crohn’s, one of the hardest parts about it for me, was watching the people I thought were my friends disappear from my life.  Ever since I was a young girl, I found maintaining friendships with girls to be a very trying task.  Everyone knows how girls can be, and my friendships with them always seemed to end toxically.  The one thing that seems to remain the same amongst most women from the time they are girls, gossip and backstabbing are always hot commodities. 

 

 

Due to all of this, I gravitated towards guys as my go to buddies.  Guys are great as friends, but that has its negatives as well.  Usually someone ends up falling for the other person; and while sometimes it can develop into a great relationship, other times one person ends up feeling rejected leaving behind an awkward tension.  Another negative for me was not being able to express the reality of my disease. Crohn’s symptoms are so embarrassing, and I couldn’t bring myself to share the details. No matter how hard having friendships with girls is, it is so much easier to spill your guts.

Over the years I have developed close friendships with a few girls, but the story always pans out the same as they slowly fizzle out of my life.  I decide to completely open up about my illness and express the times I am not feeling well.  Unfortunately that is most of the time, and I always feel in the pit of my gut, they are growing tired of hearing my woes.  It brings tears to my eyes as I say this because unless you have a chronic illness, trying to find the right words to convey the pain you are always feeling is nearly impossible. It is never my intention to come across as a complainer, I am just desperate for an outlet to the raw emotions I keep bottled down so deep inside.

Healthy people and sick people live in two separate worlds that are difficult to connect.  It is never easy to understand what another person is going through if you have never experienced it, but there is never any harm in trying to understand.  Too many people hastily judge the situation without taking the time to empathize.  If I had a dollar for every time someone accused me of being anorexic even though they knew I had an intestinal disease, I could pay off my medical debt.  When I think back to all of the friends that said this to me, most were overweight.  It pains me to think that their envy can be turned into such an ignorant accusation.  Society is so wrapped up in trying to transform every overweight person into a model, no one stops to acknowledge that some people face the same obstacle aiming for opposite results.  I have tried very hard to gain weight with no success, and that is NOT something to be jealous of when you look like a stick.

I have been misunderstood and mistreated by too many people I thought were my friends.  Once you are too sick to go out anymore, no one seems to have the time to see how you are doing.  I get that life goes on, but if someone is your true friend they care enough to be by your side no matter what. It is quite ironic how strangers will come together in times of tragedy, but I couldn't count on the people I called my friends to be there in my time of need.  There are some people I knew would walk away if I couldn’t go out and play, but others left me high and dry in complete awe.  Certain people that were deeply rooted in my past and knew my pain better than anyone else.  They left scars that will always remind me that people attain the ability to hurt you even more than a disease can. 

I am only guilty of being too nice, which is often an open invitation to be taken advantage of and trampled on.  I posses a big heart that tends to favor the good in people, even when I know there is more bad. No matter how hurt I am, my spirit is not broken.  This may have damaged my pride but I refuse to let it weigh heavy on my heart.  Life is too short to waste your time on people who do not care about you.   I will proudly wear this scar along with the others because it only empowers me and contributes to my super strength.