In Memory of my Grandfather, Harvey Dolinsky

 Anyone that breathes in oxygen for the first time in their life, is destined to gasp for it during their last.  Life is as symbiotic to death as anatomy is to physiology.  They are intercorrelated, as one simply cannot exist without the other.  Of this we are all aware, however it never makes it easier to understand when great loss comes pounding at your door.  The death of a loved one always triggers the perplexing question that we shove to the back of our minds for the sake of sanity.  What really happens after our hearts beat for the last time and we cease to exist in our physical form?

What do you see?

I constantly wonder how I appear to others around me.  Does my small stature give any clue that I struggle to gain weight on a daily basis?  Does the green glimmer in my eyes reflect the tears, which always break free in spite of doing my best to repress them?  How well does my face hide the suffering and pain that has preyed upon my soul, eating away at my core from the inside out?

Look Twice

We are all guilty of a heinous crime,

That strips our dignity and robs our time.

Preconceived notions we all fall victim to

That distort our perception and skew the truth.

Doubt

I.N.S.E.C.U.R.I.T.I.E.S

We all have them.  They prey on us like rabid animals.  They haunt our thoughts and make us doubt our true potential.  Insecurities linger in the shadows like a crazed stalker and mount their attack when you least expect it.  Insecurities are mind numbingly consuming.

One Year Since That Fateful Day

11-5-2013

In the abundance of things out there in this world that discriminate, there is one thing in particular that is never bias in whom it chooses to attack.  A deeply distressing experience, otherwise known as trauma.  Trauma doesn’t care about the color of your skin, your gender, or who you pray to at the end of the night.  Trauma blows in like an unwanted hurricane, and abolishes everything in its path.  Trauma follows you home, rearranges your life, and always leaves a scar (no matter how tough you are).

ALS CHALLENGE

A bucket of ice water falling over your head, followed by some shivers and shrieks.  The videos are all over social media; by now, almost everyone knows their purpose.  A horrible disease that was overlooked or unheard of is now coming out of the shadows to step into the limelight. A very well deserved limelight at that.  When I began watching more than just the challenge videos, to see how this cause was originated, what I found brought me to tears and broke my heart.

More than Meets the Eye

 

There is something so serene and magical about the sky at night.  The stars sparkle and shine so perfectly as they coexist beautifully with the moon, illuminating the very ground we walk on.  Who hasn't taken a moment in their lives to stare in awe at the sky above us? To stare and wildly wonder what lies beyond the vastness of space that is continuously encompassing us.  For when you take a moment to conceptualize this mystery that man has been fascinated with since the beginning of time, you begin to realize that we are just small specs in one planet amongst the millions of other planets and things that are floating around with us in the utter unknown.

Time Does Not Heal All

Only when you really stop to think,
Do you allow yourself to truly feel;
To feel the pain you push down deep inside
The only pain that time won't heal.

"Your attitude, not your aptitude, will determine your altitude."

Most of my posts entail the monstrous effects this disease entails and manifests.  I can never emphasize enough with words how immensely consuming it is to be on a physical, emotional and mental roller coaster ride every day of your life. Although my days are an intricate collaboration of many intertwining webs, there is something very magical and empowering that tends to arise from horrific and unfortunate situations.  Like an icy glass of frozen lemonade on a hot summer's day, I feel like giving you a refreshing perspective.

Something That I Really KNEED

What if a crucial part of your anatomical composition didn’t function properly?  What if this malfunction of a very important body part affected all that you did, every single day? How would you feel if the intense life saving surgery you underwent and the many months of recovery that followed, wasn’t enough to give you the life you had before?  The life you have been dreaming of returning to every night as you fight a constant battle of emotional turmoil.

Mirror Mirror On The Wall

Have you ever looked in the mirror with awe because the reflection staring back at you was a person you didn’t even recognize? You quickly glance away and then look again hoping that your eyes are just playing a cruel trick on you.  Yet when you do take a second look, the hair stands up on the back of your neck because you are undeniably unrecognizable.  A foreign entity has transformed you from the inside out into the alien that is now gleaming back.

HOPE

Anyone inflicted with a disease often questions their purpose in life. You begin to wonder if your existence on this earth was created solely to suffer. All of your ambitions and dreams turned into a never ending wrestling match against the fierce competitor of a chronic illness. An illness that started off as an annoying interference and manifested into a ginormous bully. A bully that slowly sneaked up behind you and knocked you straight on your ass, before you even had a chance to comprehend what was occurring.

Too Close for Comfort

This post is extremely personal and difficult for me to articulate. In terms of rawness, my other posts have been skimming the surface. This is as raw as a fresh wound that has been deeply cut by a sharp scalpel. This is as personal as going to the bathroom in front of a large audience. If that doesn't seem too daunting, imagine your most intimate moments, the things you do when you know that no one else is watching being broad casted live for everyone to see. That is how personal this post is about to get.

One Step At A Time

 

I have encountered many tribulations since being diagnosed with Crohn's Disease almost eight years ago. When being told I had this disease at the tender age of 18, I was clueless and ignorant to how this drastic change was going to impact my life. Like most people at that age, I didn't take it seriously and never even thought about educating myself on the matter. A lot has changed since that fateful day, and I have learned that the only control anyone inflicted with this terrible disease can have is knowledge. Research and knowledge are the sharpest weapons we can use to protect ourselves from Irritable Bowel Disease. Even though this disease wreaks havoc on our bodies, we must utilize our brains as the most powerful tool.

Di-ver-gent:

Often in our daily lives we spot a person that stands out from the rest. They are different, and we notice right away. They suffer from some kind of ailment or handicap that does not resemble the norm. We stare, sometimes too harshly and for too long. Not because we are trying to, but because our brains are wired to instantaneously detect something that diverges from the ordinary. No one really gives much thought to what they are doing even if deep inside we know we should just look away. No one really takes the time to put themselves in that other person's shoes...until that person becomes you.

The Storm Within

We all encounter times in our lives where our world is spinning out of control, like a vicious tornado that destroys everything in its path, resulting in devastating consequences. Those times have been greatly amplified for me as a lifetime of life altering events have been crammed into the past three years. I have experienced an array of emotions that immensely challenged my capabilities.  These arduous events tested my endurance, patience, and perseverance every day.  They forced me to muster every ounce of strength I could find and use that as a shield to keep me from completely falling apart.

When a Nightmare turns into a Reality

I felt a hot breath on the base of my neck as I alarmingly turned around.  There was a thick tension in the air as his angry eyes locked intensely into mine.  With not even a second to react, goosebumps shocked my body as I was being picked up with an aggression I had never felt before.  I knew in the pit of my gut my life was about to end when he reached into his pocket for a knife.  I awoke suddenly; confused, a bit disoriented, and relieved I was only dreaming.  Was this just another bad dream or was my body trying to tell me something? 

The Thing You Think You Cannot Do

It seems like a lifetime has past since I last wrote a post.  I am overwhelmed by the whirlwind of events that have taken place in the past month.  Shortly after posting my Hospital Horrors post, I made another trip back to the hospital.  This was no coincidence,  as I was putting off going back for over a month.  I began experiencing a pain that I have never felt before; a piercing sharp pain that throbbed right below my chest.  This pain was intensified by standing or walking, which interfered with the progress I was making from my spinal compression fractures. 

Hospital Horrors

Hospitals. The sound of that word makes most people cringe. If you have ever been hospitalized, you know how unpleasant the experience can be. The dreariness from all the illness encompasses you as the smell of sterilization makes you want to gag. Hallways seem to stretch on for miles as you catch a glimpse of each patient lying helplessly in their own misery. No matter how high you turn up the heat, there is always a coldness that lingers in the air.

Do you live to eat or eat to live?

Food is the epitome of life.  It revolves around all that we do every single day.  Food fuels our body with the energy needed to run properly, down to organ function and bone health.  There is no denying that people receive great satisfaction from eating, always looking forward to the pleasure of a meal.  But what if something so severe sucked the pleasure of eating right up?  What if something inside of you broke out into utter turmoil just because food slid down your intestinal tract?